The ramblings of a serial head-shaver

  • BBC Quiz Show

    Mr. James Smith,

    206 Andover Road,
    Salisbury,
    Wiltshire.

    Dear Mr. Smith,

    Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

    I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show’s contestants.

    However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

    In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

    Yours,

    Charles Knight,
    Light Entertainment,
    BBC Television Centre,
    London.

     

  • Beijing Hotel Brochure

    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
    She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
    Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

    Getting There:

    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel:

    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:

    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:

    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed:

    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:

    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

  • The Irony

    Malaysia Airlines ad a few years ago…

  • Golfers are dedicated to the game

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
    “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
    The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt…
    His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
    “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
    “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
    “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
    “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

  • What are your golf clubs doing here?

    The bride was escorted down the aisle.
    When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
    She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
    He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”