Rambling

Malaysia Airlines ad a few years ago…

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt…
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

The bride was escorted down the aisle.
When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through…
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.
The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,
“Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied:
“Got here in two, didn’t I?”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Penny, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow’s stall in the barn. You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when
she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks,

‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple; by the nail over its stall’, Penny explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over
her shoulder, ……

‘I assume it’s to hang your trousers on.’

” It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using
violence. ”