Rambling

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this
really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give
me your number, sexy.”

I replied “Have you got a pen?”

She smiled and said “Yes.”

I replied, “Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices
you’re missing.”

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
——————————————————————–
Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about
all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want
you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring
you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
————————————————————————-
Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
————————————————————————
Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request and not a guarantee of services
provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
Please know, however, that my solicitors have been on retainer ever since
the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to
take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not
only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King frying pan.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
——————————————————————
Now look here you fat twat. I told you what I want and I expect you to
bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks
and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to
tweet my home boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat arse and me
going to be taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I
want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone Da Terror of De Tower Hamlets.
——————————————————————–
Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a Geezer that breaks into every house in the world
on one night and never gets caught gives a flying F*** at the moon you
yardie tosser wanabee? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when
you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I
have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, you little wanker. I go all
around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right
now, you’d throw up your K.F.C Bargain Shitbucket all over the carpet of
your mother’s crappy crack house flat. You’re not getting what you asked
for, but I’m still stopping by your gaff to kick a poke hole in your arse
and let Rudolf have his jollies. Chew on that Winston!

S Clizzy
—————————————————————-
Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy
————————————————————–
Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

*ADVICE FROM JOHN – A RETIRED HUSBAND*

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Patricia to get a
full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. *But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse*, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or
even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I’m
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her
Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[image: Description: Photo]

*You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing
home available for you. So what do you do?Our plan gives anyone 65 years or
older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians!!Of
course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and
all the health care you need!Need new teeth? No problem. Need new glasses?
No problem. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all
covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as
they do now.And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same
government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a
nursing home.And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at
it. Just look how happy Mary is in the photo!The best part of this program…
now that you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any taxes anymore.*