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New Element Discovered – Soon To Be Included On The Periodic Table
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 – 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons. -
Politics
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
Both of her parents, ANC supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, " If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? "
She said she wanted to be President some day.
She replied, " I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people. " Her parents smiled hugely. " Wow…what a worthy goal. " I told her, " But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house for a morning and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you R100.
Then I'll take you over to the supermarket where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the R100 to use toward food and a new house.
I said, " Welcome to the DA! "
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked:
" Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the R100? "
Her parents still aren't speaking to me. -
Adopt a Terrorist…
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.She received back the following reply:National Defence HeadquartersMGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT101 Colonel By DriveOttawa , ON K1A 0K2CanadaDear Concerned Citizen,Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to theAfghanistan Government and are currently Being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System Facilities.Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to beCalled 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for killers' program, or L.A.R.K. For short.In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs''s as described in your letter.Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.Good luck and God bless you.Cordially,Gordon O'ConnorMinister of National Defence
