The ramblings of a serial head-shaver
Vir die lag spiere
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Gister is ek Builders Warehouse toe, maar ek is nie meer seker of dit ‘n wyse besluit was nie. Sien, die vorige aand het ek ‘n kerrie met chillis gemaak en ‘n moerse lot van die dis opgevreet. Die chillis was een van Mike se gepatenteerde “jy-bekak-jouself-chilli” souse.
Moerse smaaklik, maar dit raak later nogal pynlik en ek kan julle n geskrewe guarantee gee dat jou hol oop hang om asem te haal die volgende dag. Jou boud wange trek so wyd oop dit lyk soos ‘n spaniel se ore. Nou toe ek vanoggend wakker word, toe verwag ek dat die 06:00 “trein” my sal toilet toe roep, maar niks het gebeur nie. Alhoewel ek kon voel hoe daai chillis deur my derms swem. Dat daai chillis wou uit was nie altemit nie, maar ek het nie meer geweet waneer nie. Maar ek het dinge gehad om te doen en moes toe Builders Warehouse toe gaan om Rubol vir die dek te kry. Daar aangekom het ek die trollie gekry en so paar ander goetertjies gekoop soos houtskroewe en double sided tape, voordat ek by die verwe en terpentyne aangekom het. Dis die verste punt van die toilet af toe daai pyn deur slaan. Ek het met my elmboe op die trollie se handvatsel geleun op daai stadium. Skielik is my tree vanself korter en toe my holspiere toe trek toe trek daai selfde holspiere my arms ook reguit. Dit het gelyk of my bene se bearings geslaan het want ekt tot stilstand gekom. Ek dink my holspiere is deur die chillis gyselaar gehou gewees, want toe kom daar n waarskuwing skoot uit. Ek was te bang om te beweeg want anders kom daar nog walms uit, maar het geweet: “Bra, djy moet nou hardloop”.
Ek het in beweging gekom en net toe ek by die aisle uitstap, kom daar so bleeksiel nerd met sy Builders Warehouse pakkie en vra “More meneer. Waarmee kan ek u help?” Nou kyk…..die knaap weet van building net mooi vokkol, so ek mompel vinnig nee en stap aan. Ek is ook nou nie die a f knouerige tipe nie, maar toe die knaap verder in die aisle afstap, toe draai ek om en kyk hoe die knaap in die rigting van daai walm stap. Genade mens. Dit was asof hy in ‘n muur vasgeloop het. Ek moes hom seker gewaarsku het, maar ek het nie. Sy oge het net so geknip-knip, toe val ‘n swerm onsigbare bye hom aan want hy waai sy arms en versnel in tru rat. Ek was emosioneel in twee geskeur. Ek bars uit van die lag, maar DIT waas ‘n groot fout. Daar kom ‘n sarsie skote daar onder uit, wat ek later hoor vir ander customers soos ‘n gewapende roof geklink het. Hulle het blykbaar dekking geslaan en hul beursies en selfone tussen die rakke weg gesteek. Dinge was vir my nie meer so snaaks nie en ek jaag toe met daai trollie af toilette toe. Niemand het ook ag geslaan op my nie want almal dink ek hol van die rowers se geweerskote af weg.
Maar al die pad “klap die skote” en ek hoop en bid ek maak die kakhuis voor die finale storting plaasvind. Vir once in a while was luck aan my kant. My gat het nog nie eers die sitplek geraak nie, toe vind daai einste finale storting plaas. Ek hoor toe hoe ‘n arme drommel die kakhuis instap en al wat hy se is “Ma se m…!!!!” Daarna het ek die sqeak van die kakhuis deur gehoor soos hy daar uit storm.
Eventually is ek klaar en ek stap uit. Nog ‘n winkel assistent kom na my toe en se “Meneer, een of ander idioot het ‘n stinkbom in die winkel gelos. My bestuurder wil he almal moet buite staan sodat hy die waaiers vir so 2 minute op full blast kan laat werk.” Ek het gegrinnik, maar daar was nog “rowers” aan die anderkant van my grensdraad wat toe die laaste ligte skote afvuur nog voor ek kon knyp. Die winkel assistent se neus het skielik gefrommel en na hy sy hemp oor sy neus getrek het, het hy sy vinger in my rigting gedruk en geskreeu “Dit was hy!” Die bestuurder het my eenkant toe geroep en ek is later formeel in kennis gestel, of liewer gese dat ek geban is by Builders Warehouse.
Ek is toe huis toe sonder die artikels wat ek wou aanskaf en net betyds vir middag ete. Al wat daar was om te eet, was gisteraand se chilli-kerrie wat toe nog beter smaak as voorheen. Ek vreet toe maar die laaste lot ook op. Maar die dek moet geverf word met die Rubol, so more gaan ek Mica toe moet gaan……………..
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Tolerance
This is one from NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster Jiggs McDonald in Orillia.
Tolerance
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.
I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.
If you agree with promoting tolerance, please pass it on…
Drinking & driving
WARNING FESTIVE SEASON DRINK DRIVING .
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for xmas drinks with some friends, but had a few too many beers, and some rather nice Shiraz.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before – I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely, and without incident, which was a real surprise, since I'd never driven a bus before, and am not quite sure where I got this one from.
Puik Vertaling
Is Afrikaans darem nie die lekkerste spreek taal in die wereld nie !!!
Juffrou vra vir klas: "Vertaal die volgende sin na Afrikaans – Malema is swimming in the Vaal Dam".
Jannie steek sy hand op en antwoord: "Daar's 'n drol in die drinkwater".
Sit jou slim kind !!
I’m Tired
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Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"  I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and |
Dead Horse
Dakota Native American tribal wisdom, passed on from generation to generation, says:
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."
However, in government and corporate Africa , more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course…
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position, so that some other horse does the job on it’s behalf! If you understand the above, then you are obviously residing in Africa
