Kaalkop

The ramblings of a serial head-shaver

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  • Understanding Woman


    "And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."

  • There were these two crocodiles…


    Two crocodiles were sitting on the banks of the Apies River somewhere in Tshwane , S.A. 


    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'Down the other side of the vlei near the ANC parking lot by the Union Buildings in Pretoria .'

    'Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch them?'

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Mercedes or BMW cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, and shake the shit out of them then eat 'em!'

    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.’

     
                 


  • Hula-hoop Fail

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  • Marvin

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  • ORT Baggage handling

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  • Windgat eerstejaartjie

    Die windgat eerstejaartjie kom 'n man langs die see teë en vertel hom hoekom die ouer geslag nie die jonger geslag kan verstaan nie.


    "Julle het primitief grootgeword," sê hy hard genoeg sodat almal kan hoor. "Ons word groot met TV, spuitvliegtuie, ruimtereise, 'n man op die maan, kernkrag, selfone en rekenaars."

    Die ou man het bietjie gehuiwer, en antwoord toe:

    "Jy is reg, seun. Ons het al daai goed waarvan jy praat, uitgevind. Sê my, jou arrogante klein stront: Wat doen júlle vir die volgende geslag?"

    Die applous was oorverdowend.

  • Why golf is important

    I'M CONVINCED


      
    In 1923, Who Was………….. 
      
      
    1. President of the largest steel company? 
      
    2. President of the largest gas company? 
      
    3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 
      
    4. Greatest wheat speculator? 
        
    5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 
      
    6. Great Bear of Wall Street? 
      
      
      
    These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. 
      
      
     Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. 
     


      
      
    The Answers: 
      
      
    1. The president of the largest steel company. 
      
    Charles Schwab, 
      
    died a pauper. 
      
      
      
    2. The president of the largest gas company, 
      
    Edward Hopson, 
      
    went insane. 
      
      
      
    3. The president of the NYSE, 
      
    Richard Whitney, 
      
    was released from prison 
      
    to die at home. 
      
      
      
    4. The greatest wheat speculator, 
      
    Arthur Cooger, 
      
    died abroad, penniless. 
      
      
      
    5. The President 
      
    of 
      
     the Bank of International Settlement, 
      
     shot himself. 
      
      
      
    6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, 
      
    Cosabee Livermore, 
      
    also committed suicide 
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
    However, 
      
    in that same year, 
      
    1923, 
      
    the PGA Champion 
      
    and 
      
    the winner of 
      
    the 
      
    most important golf tournament, 
      
    the US Open, 
      
    was 
      
    Gene Sarazen. 
      
    What became of him? 
      
      
      
    He played golf until he was 92, 
      
    died in 1999 at the age of 95. 
      
    He was financially secure 
      
    at the time of his death. 
      
      
      
    The Moral: 
      
      
    Fuck work. 
      
    Play golf.

  • Will I See 80?

    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 61.)

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

    'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

    'I said, 'Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
    or bicycling?'

    'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

    'No,' I said.

    He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

     

  • Doesn’t matter how many times I read this one, I still laugh

    Yesterday I was at my local 'Pets at Home' buying a large bag of Eukanuba

     dog food for my daughter's Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue
     when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
     
     What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
     little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
     starting the Eukanuba Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
     because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone
     before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
     orifices and IVs in both arms.
     
     I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
     works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or
     two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
     works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
     practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
     
     Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
     food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
     Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
     
     I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
     laughing so hard.
     
     I'm now banned from the Pets at Home store.