Rambling

*A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for*
*membership
at a local golf club.* *About a week later he received a letter that his
application has been* *rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.*

* Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I’m as Scottish as you are, ma’am, my name is*

*MacTavishstien. Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we
wear a kilt? Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I. Secretary: Are you also aware,
that the members sit naked in the steam room? Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do
the same. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scottish Jew: Aye, I be
that. Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that
correct? Scottish Jew: Aye, I be that, too.*

* Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not
feel* *comfortable
sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are*

*different from theirs. Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a
Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a
Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But* *this is the first time I’ve
heard that you have to be a* *complete prick to join a golf club!*

A public school teacher was arrested today at O R Tambo International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Hawks with carrying weapons of math instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values ..’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Zuma would not comment but Julius Malema said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’ Luthuli house aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by Malema – It is believed that a Nobel Prize will follow.

The Queen arrives in Glasgow and she bumps into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ says “How nice to see you Mr Salmond”

AS says “Nice to see you too Ma’am: Now, what are we going to call
Scotland after we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom,
and then I will be a King?”

HMtQ “No, we don’t like that”.

AS “What about an Empire? Then I’ll be the Emperor”.

HMtQ ” No, we don’t like that either”.

AS ” Alright then, what about calling it a Principality? Then I’ll be a Prince”.

HMtQ ” No Mr Salmond, I think we will call it a Country”

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
“Pick up your shovels, mount your @sses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land.”

When Mandela was made president he said,
“Lay down your shovels, sit on your @sses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land.”

Today, the ANC has stolen your shovel, taxed your @sses, raised the
price of Camels, tolled the Highways and Byways and mortgaged the
Promised Land to the Chinese.

I was so depressed last night thinking about Jacob Zuma, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, corruption, the toll roads,
retirement funds, etc …. I called a suicide hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck……

Folks, we’re screwed ……

——————————

*A** farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company*

*.In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.*
*’Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’*

* asked the solicitor.Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘ *
*’I didn’t ask for any details’,*
* the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at
the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’ *

*Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’
down da road…’*

*The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question. ‘ *

*By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said
to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie’.Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her
down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru
a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch
and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like,
and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and
groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after
da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie
moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her,
and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’ *
*’Now wot da foock would you say?*

Mr. James Smith,

206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show’s contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,

Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London.