Kaalkop

*Nie vir sensitiewe lesers nie!!!!!*****

** **

Saterdag vlieg ‘n klomp malletjies op tv weg op die Cape Epic. ****

So tussen my popcorn en brannas wonder ek of ek nie ook maar moet fiks word
nie want daar is ‘n paar moerse mooi boudjies op daai baasiekels, maar ek
is so verdomp unfit ek kry milt steek as ek toilet toe loop. ****

Ek het mos hoeka vir die kinders elkeen ‘n grend baaisiekel gekoop op
rekening nogal en nou ry ek hulle met die kar skool toe en daai helse duur
martelpype staan en op roes in die garage. ****

Nou kyk ek waar op die ding is die carrier vir toebies en padkos maar die
simpel ding het net so draad rakkie vir water sê die laatie. Water en wat?
Daar sal nooit ‘n bottel J&B inpas nie! ****

Ek moes seker gekyk het vir een of ander weight limit want as ek ‘n 3 liter
Toyota bakkie op sy knieë trek as ek inklim gaan iets sy gat sien op die ou
draadraampie. ****

Die kinders het loop dekking slaan onder die vêrste bed in die huis met een
of ander sign wat sê “Ek ken nie daai ou nie.”. ****

Het julle geweet Spandex broeke het ook ‘n rek limiet? Dis soos om daai
maer vroutjie van 7de laan, Hilda, se super small bloomer om ‘n blou walvis
se gat te probeer trek. ****

Jou aambeie skuif tot onner jou oksels. ****

Dank Vader die pienk fiets se ketting lyk soos iets wat mens in
Richardsbaai se hawe vergeet het van die roes en ek pick die kots geel een
van die laaitie. Ek het een van die kinders se Helmets geleen al kon die
twee net uit decency vir my gesê het dis ‘n skateboard helmet. ****

Nou onthou, ek het laas fiets gery toe ‘n Chopper nog ‘n professionele
resies bike was en ek beklim die stukkie draadrank terwyl ek aan die prieël
vashou om nie om te donner nie. ****

So met die been oorgooi gee die spandex op en flash ek my vrou in die
kombuis wat die stront gade slaan en ek hoor net koppies val in die wasbak.
****

Nou moet ek my gewone PT broek dra maar die saal is vir iemand gemaak met
minder hol-cleavage as ek en so met die sitslag verdwyn daai saal met my
nuwe onnerbroek en die helfde van die PT broek die onnoembare in en
verstaan ek skielik wat ‘n wedgie from hell is. Dis finkenol teen wat ek
nou beleef! ****

Die arme fietsie se shocks lê halfpad verby hul optop level en al is die
tyres 104.7 BAR gepomp lyk hulle steeds pap, maar vandag word ons fiks!!!! *
***

Nou die wat die plek ken waar ek woon, weet van die enigste koppie in die
omtrek net agter die huis. Nou as ek hom nou kan uittrap en terugkom sal ek
in ‘n kort rukkie fiks wees, reken ek. ****

Vader, die munisipaliteit se lorries kom nie eers daar uit nie en na ‘n
ongoddelike strawwe , bloedswetende, asembenewede eerste 12 meter vang ek
lift met ‘n bakkie op tot bo. ****

Afkom lyk makliker. ****

Nou die wat nie fietsry ken nie, weet seker nie dat die voorbriek nie goed
werk op ‘n afdraend nie. ****

Nevermind, met my skateboard helmet, Pt broek driekwart in my
watchemaycallit, vellies en rugbykouse bespring ek daai martelpyp bo-op die
koppie ten aanskoue van ‘n ander gesinnetjie Cape-Epic wannabe’s. Die ma
druk sommer die dogtertjie se oë toe want ek het later by die ambulansman
gehoor ek het hol-cleavage gegooi vir Afrika. ****

Toe die predikant my kom besoek het vanoggend wou hy weet of ek so in die
afkom dalk ‘n bees in volle vaart met een of ander geel ding in sy alie
daar sien afkom het. ****

So op sy droë manier kan hy ok maar ‘n drol wees. ****

To hell met fiks word. Boude is mooier op TV en my gips kom anyway eers oor
vier weke af. ****

-Groete ****

Jors ****

*Finally, someone who gets it !!*
This girl for President!

“The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a
living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living”

This was written by a 21 yr old woman who gets it. It’s her future she’s
worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare system
that she’s being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense
in her opinion.

Put me in charge . . …

Put me in charge of benefit payments. I’d get rid of cash payments and
provide vouchers for 50 kg bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese, basic
sanitary items and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want steak, burgers, takeaway and junk food, then get a job.

Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I’d do is to get women to have
birth control implants.
Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want
to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of local authority housing. Ever live in military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be
inventoried.
If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Put me in charge of compulsory job search. You will either search
for employment each week no matter what the job or you will report
for community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your dooff, dooff
stereo and speakers and put that money toward the common good..

Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of
the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin someones
“self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking
someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and
lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system
rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest….. If you want to vote,
then get a job.

The government is meant to works for the people of this country, so they
should not get a bonus unless we the working people agree that they have
achieved their objectives.
They should not get increases unless we the working people agree they get
increases
They should be accountable to the people for every cent spent and if they
can’t account for everything they should be let go.
They should never be allowed to drive fancy cars, live in fancy houses,
spend millions for “security” until they have kept every single promise
they have made. Then we will see how many people actually want to
“run/ruin” the country because they actually care about the people and care
about our future.

The true revolution is when we the people wake up to the fact that we are
being taken for a ride by a small handful of “VIP’s”. How can we be so
blind to the obvious?

*One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”*****

*He replied, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example** **to
illustrate that. ** *****

*Imagine that you are lying naked in a big bed** **with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side ** **and a gay man** **on the other.*

**

*Who are you going to turn your back on?*

Ienkie pienkie ponkie

Suid Afrika eet nou donkie
Hiekerie diekerie dok
ons maalvleis is nou bok
Taragie taragoe
ons eet biltong kangeroe
Kul jou hie kul jou daa
ons steaks is nou Sebra

Viskoekies in die Baai
bestaan meestal nou uit haai.
daai hoender wat so dril
is dikwels krokodil
Die salami aan die hak
is dalk ʼn Taiwannese brak
en die sagte pienk polonie
dalk net ʼn Shetland ponie
maar dis als die moeite werd
die arme Britte kry net perd .****

[image: Description: cid:image001.jpg@01CE0849.8819A560]

A woman phones the Sandton Central police station and says, “My husband
went to buy potatoes two days ago and has not yet come back.”****

There is a long pause before the cop says, “Eish Madam! Can’t you cook
something else?”****

THE BEST EVER LAYOFF LETTER. No wonder this guy is the boss,
he is sharp! You can ‘t be any fairer than this guy…

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Jacob Zuma is our President and that our taxes and government fees will
increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by
about 10%.

But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state
of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I
didn ‘t know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘ANC ‘ bumper stickers on
our employees ‘ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let
go.

I can ‘t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for
change… I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.