A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through…
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.
The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,
“Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied:
“Got here in two, didn’t I?”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Penny, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow’s stall in the barn. You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when
she sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one…right here.’

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks,

‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple; by the nail over its stall’, Penny explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, ‘What’s the nail for?’

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over
her shoulder, ……

‘I assume it’s to hang your trousers on.’

” It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using
violence. ”

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this
really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give
me your number, sexy.”

I replied “Have you got a pen?”

She smiled and said “Yes.”

I replied, “Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices
you’re missing.”

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
——————————————————————–
Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about
all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want
you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring
you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
————————————————————————-
Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
————————————————————————
Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request and not a guarantee of services
provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
Please know, however, that my solicitors have been on retainer ever since
the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to
take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not
only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King frying pan.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
——————————————————————
Now look here you fat twat. I told you what I want and I expect you to
bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks
and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to
tweet my home boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat arse and me
going to be taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I
want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone Da Terror of De Tower Hamlets.
——————————————————————–
Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a Geezer that breaks into every house in the world
on one night and never gets caught gives a flying F*** at the moon you
yardie tosser wanabee? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when
you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I
have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, you little wanker. I go all
around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right
now, you’d throw up your K.F.C Bargain Shitbucket all over the carpet of
your mother’s crappy crack house flat. You’re not getting what you asked
for, but I’m still stopping by your gaff to kick a poke hole in your arse
and let Rudolf have his jollies. Chew on that Winston!

S Clizzy
—————————————————————-
Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy
————————————————————–
Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa