Kaalkop

The ramblings of a serial head-shaver

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  • Survey problem

    Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN — The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" 

    The survey was a huge failure.  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.  In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.  In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.  In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.  And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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  • A bit of male humour

    The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

    Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

    I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged a bird called Penny – spooky or what?

    Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce……. ` Tell me something both of you have in common ` Husband after a long awkward silence ` Well neither of us sucks cock `

  • Male Sensitivity

    The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing . The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy .

    She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
    She looked at the men in the room, “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
    The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
    After a few moments, a man named Gary at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
    “Yes,” said the Instructor.
    “I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

  • Waarom Afrikaners bo uitkom

    HOOR HOOR !!!!!


        

            

      Prof Coetzee se antwoord oor waarom die Afrikaner bo uitkom : 
      
          Baie mense beskou blykbaar diefstal en roof as heel aanvaarbaar, jy moet   
    net beweer jy was daartoe gedryf deur honger, gebrek, apartheid of die     
    waan dat jou oer-voorouers onderdruk was..                                 
    Laat ons dus maar vandag oor ‘n paar sake reguit praat:                         
                                                                                
    ‘n Mens steel nie omdat jy honger of arm is nie – jy steel omdat jy skelm is.                                                                             
     Niemand was nog ooit in hierdie land so volledig onderdruk soos die   
     Afrikaner na die Tweede Vryheidsoorlog nie.                                 
                                                                                
    Ons voorouers wat die oorlog en die konsentrasiekampe oorleef het, het na       
     die doodse leegheid van vernietigde plase teruggekeer – uitgehonger,       
    hartseer en verpletter. Maar hulle het nie geroof en gemoor en gesteel     
    nie. Hulle het met harde werk, deursettingsvermoë en swaarkry so presteer       
     dat hulle weldra nie net hulleself nie, maar ook hulle huidige             
    onderdukkers, goed kon versorg.                                                 
                                                                                
    Toe hulle kinders in Engelse skole gestop is en gestraf is as hulle dit         
     durf waag het om Afrikaans te praat, het hulle nie klippe gegooi en skole   
     afgebrand en geweld gepleeg nie.                                           
    Hulle het hard geleer, hulle eie CVO -skole gestig en uiteindelik bo       
    uitgekom sodat die Afrikaner vandag vir niemand op akademiese,             
    tegnologiese of wetenskaplike gebied terug hoef te staan nie.                   
                                                                                
    ‘n Mens moor nie omdat jy voorheen benadeel is of omdat jou werkgewer jou       
     nie tederlik genoeg behandel nie – ‘n mens moor omdat jy ‘n barbaar is wat 
    nie verdien om deel van die samelewing te wees nie.                             
                                                                                
    Na die Tweede Vryheidsoorlog het Afrikanermynwerkers absoluut geen regte   
    gehad nie en moes hulle hulle gesinne met minder as ‘n hongerloon probeer     
     onderhou. Maar hulle het nie bejaardes gaan doodmartel en gesinne           
     uitgemoor nie.                                                             
                                                                              
    ‘n Mens word nie ‘n agtergeblewene omdat iemand anders nie genoeg vir jou       
     doen nie. ‘n Mens word ‘n agterblyer omdat jy nie presteer nie. Niemand     
     het die Afrikaner na die Tweede Vryheidsoorlog vooruit gehelp nie – ons     
     het self gewerk en volhard om sukses te behaal.                             
                                                                                
    En elke ding wat ons het, het ons verwerf.                                 
                                                                              
    As alles altyd vir jou verkeerd loop sodat jy voel jy maak nooit enige     
    vordering nie, is dit dalk ‘n goeie gedagte om op te hou soek wie anders   
    as jy self vir al jou ellende verantwoordelik is. Ruk jou reg en presteer       
     jouself in die voorspoed in.                                               
                                                                              
    En dit geld vir ons eie mense ook. Net ons eie werk, prestasie en geloof   
    gaan bepaal of ons as agterblyers in die vergetelheid gaan wegsink en of   
    ons weer as trotse, beskaafde, gerespekteerde volk sal opstaan.                 
                                                                                
    Selfs in die nuwe Suid-Afrika is daar steeds geleenthede vir vindingryke,       
     geesdriftige mense wat bereid is om hard te werk en vir hulleself ‘n       
    toekoms los te spook.                                                           
                                                                                
    Mag die Afrikaner nooit pateties raak nie ….

  • As good as this bar is,

    As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs
    back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The
    landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
    he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
    “Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red
    Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
    two.”
    “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite
    pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then
    another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough
    drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the
    house!”
    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
    swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?”
    “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen
    to me sister quite a few times.”

  • Turf

    Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

     
    Paddy said, ‘I gonna do that when I win the lottery’. 
    ‘What’s dat’, says his mate. 
    ‘Send me lawn away to be cut’, says Paddy.

  • Wedding ring

  • i…….

    bb

  • Defining stress…